i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
