just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
where does the pee come out of this thing
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
