I think I won the penis lottery.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
