see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
That was before I lit my hair on fire
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
