Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
