he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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