Your mouth is God's brothel.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
