I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
