I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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