I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
