Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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