3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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