What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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