I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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