I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
