i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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