My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
