What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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