Cold hands, warm shart.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
