I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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