I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
