atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
