I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
