Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
