please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
