Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize