I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
