the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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