Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize