1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
the raccoons are back...
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