I like my sex mixed with concussions.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
