i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
