gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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