i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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