I just threw up on my dentist
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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