when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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