Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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