Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
