i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
