dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
