You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
