I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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