1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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