I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
