Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
