Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
