peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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