have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
