I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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