i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
