you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
