can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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