he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
