I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
