Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
