So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
