I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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