Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
