when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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