you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
