I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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